Checking In: Suicide Prevention Month
The last few days, I could tell my grief was calling me again. Like I hadn’t checked in with it enough lately. I’ve been so busy with work, I could sense a little drifting. And like times past, it called for me. To pay attention. To remember and not forget.
As if.
As if I could ever forget the day my sister died by suicide.
And yet, here I was, days before the start of Suicide Prevention Month, and I knew I was avoiding the topic. It has taken me months to set up my fundraiser for the Out of the Darkness Walk, coming up in just six weeks.
No, I hadn’t forgotten. I just wasn’t ready. To mark another year, to count another summer without Maya.
Truth be told, I don’t know if she actually died on Friday, June 17th, 2022. It could’ve been a couple of days earlier. Sometimes, we just don’t know.
But this is what I do know, as I recalled it in “Open the Door,” which I wrote in December 2022:
“Maya and I last texted on June 13th I think. And on Friday the 17th, I noticed that a person was trying to reach me through my various social media channels — LinkedIn, Facebook, you name it. She was Maya’s coworker. She said Maya hadn’t shown up for work earlier in the week like she was supposed to, after her leave of absence had ended (which I didn’t even know about). They had tried to call her multiple times, no answer. She was worried.
I took a few deep breaths. I knew. I knew. I left my meeting; the kids were home that day, so Darcy made arrangements for a neighbor to watch them for us so she could go with me. She said there was no way I was going to Maya’s by myself.
We got in the car and drove over to Maya’s apartment. This was only my second time there. She lived in that place for four years, and I had only been there once before, for Christmas, standing in the parking lot to exchange gifts.
We got the apartment manager and she came with a key.
We took a deep breath, and I unlocked the door.
It wouldn’t budge. There was something wedging it shut. My immediate thought was that it must be Maya unconscious on the floor, behind the door. I put my shoulder into it a bit more and managed to get some space. I could see Maya in the distance, lying on the floor. I screamed out, “She’s down! She’s on the ground.” I don’t know why I said that.
The apartment manager said, “Break it down if you have to!” So I put all my weight into and popped what was holding the door free. It was one of those security bars that people who are afraid of being burglarized place on their doors. That, or afraid of being discovered and interrupted in the middle of dying.
I busted into the apartment. It looked exactly like my mother’s house did back in 2018 when Darcy and I went to New York to rescue Maya.
I saw Maya. This was a small apartment, so she was no more than 10 feet away. A light was on and the air conditioner was running.
I crept forward, shaking. And then I saw her fully. She had prepared herself and arranged herself with dignity. And I was fairly certain she was dead. I ran back out and just started crying and shaking.
Everything from that point on was a blur. It still feels like scenes in a movie with strobe lights flashing. I was in multiple planes of consciousness, immediately. Processing Maya being gone, thinking about the kids, wondering how she died. Darcy was on the phone with 911, and they asked us to verify that Maya was not breathing. I couldn’t go back inside, so Darcy did. She came out, crying and in shock. I heard her tell the dispatcher that she wasn’t breathing.
Maya was gone.”
So here we are. Today is September 1, 2024. Like I said, it’s the start of Suicide Prevention Month. The other thing no one tells you when you lose someone this way is you’re stuck with the same pictures of the one you lost.
This is Maya. She is my sister. I miss her.
And I wish we were still taking pictures together.
Resources
And if you’re thinking about suicide, please know there is another way Out of the Darkness. Help is available. Call or text 988. Or visit the 988 Lifeline website to learn more. Please.
You can also visit American Foundation for Suicide Prevention to get resources.
And you can join Team Maya in AFSP’s Annual Out of the Darkness fundraiser and walk.
Checking In
Here are some of the things I’ve written about my sister, and some I’ve written to her. If you’ve lost someone, maybe these will help you know that someone else knows a little bit about how you feel.
https://sharemorestories.com/maya-and-me-the-sea-and-the-sky/
https://sharemorestories.com/can-we-go-to-the-beach/
https://sharemorestories.com/things-fell-apart-and-here-we-are/
https://sharemorestories.com/open-the-door/
https://sharemorestories.com/world-suicide-prevention-day/
https://sharemorestories.com/aqua-celestial-a-poem-for-maya/
Love, Grace and Peace to you. 🙏🏽❤️
